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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23210926">No one there to Hold my Hand</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreamcatcher3/pseuds/Dreamcatcher3'>Dreamcatcher3</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Actions and Consequences [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Depression, Out of Character, Panic Attacks, possibly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 09:42:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,577</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23210926</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreamcatcher3/pseuds/Dreamcatcher3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Buck is trying to cope, but with no one there to help him, he is falling fast</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Howie "Chimney" Han</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Actions and Consequences [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653886</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>113</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It has been a little over a week's worth of shifts now and Buck still doesn't feel like anything has changed. He wondered if the forgiveness process was normally so slow or was he just too quick to forgive people? Was his personality too much like a dog for him to really hold a grudge? Even Maddie was forgiven after leaving him alone with their parents and then vanishing from his life for three years, only to show up and break into his place, and he let her tease him when he really had all right to call the cops and/or kick her out. But instead he went into protective brother mode, and loved her with everything he had because he knew it was exactly what she needed.</p><p>And yet, here he was listening to Chim tell Hen about a date out with Maddie, with no Maddie in sight or on the phone to help him through this. He was breaking, and yet whenever he reached out to her she just didn't have the time.</p><p>
  <em>Because you are not good enough. You are simple and no one her wants to deal with something so......useless.</em>
</p><p>He lets out a sigh, knowing his inner voice was right. He still hasn't been able to participate in any real calls. Sure he went on some crazy calls, but Bobby never let him do any of the daredevil things, which has essentially became his role the moment he walked into the 118 when he was fresh out of training. He came in with a smile and nervous energy and people seemed to actually see him.</p><p>
  <em>But Buck 1.0 was too much of a whore for anyone to see past.</em>
</p><p>Now, Buck had to suffer. His friends and family didn't seem to care. He doesn't care how many sympathetic smiles he gets or pats on the shoulder Bobby gives him, they never truly let him do his job as a firefighter, never asked to hang out, never called to see how he was doing. Not even his sister could find the time for him, but apparently could find the time to be with Chim. It was her with Doug all over again, but without the abuse.</p><p>
  <em>You will always be left behind when no one has any use for you. So why don't you just do everyone a favor and go away?</em>
</p><p>"Kid?" Bobby calls from behind the couch Buck was lounging on. "How are you doing there?"</p><p>"I'm fine Cap." He leans his head back and smiles a fake smile that no one saw through. He should have been an actor. "Just a bit tired?"</p><p>"You're leg bothering you?"</p><p>"No," he shakes his head, "just didn't sleep well last night."</p><p>Bobby seems to ponder his words and check his watch. "Why don't you go on home, and we'll see you tomorrow? You only have an hour left."</p><p>"But what if you need me?" He sits up a little straighter and turning to face the captain fully.</p><p>"We can call you," Bobby replies softly and with a small smile. "We all know you keep your phone on."</p><p>"But-"</p><p>"No buts. Go on home and get some sleep." Bobby pats his shoulder as he walks by, leaving no room for arguing, and so Buck heads down to his locker and grabs his stuff and heads home. Only thing wrong with being home though, is he still is alone and with nothing to do. It's why he found himself getting dressed in a white Henley and some dark jeans and heading out to a nearby bar - though not the one the 118 usually hang out at.</p><p>Drinking with strangers is better than drinking alone. Drinking with strangers is better than drinking with people you know and feeling alone.</p><p>******</p><p>"Hey there handsome," a girl says to him as she saddles up to him at the bar. "Are you waiting for someone?"</p><p>"No, just had a long day." He smiles kindly at her before taking another drink of his beer, hoping she got the hint to leave him alone.</p><p>"Bad day a work?"</p><p>"You could say that." He nods. He won't be rude. It's been too long since he had an actual conversation with someone, and he wasn't going to deny himself even if he didn't really want to chat with her. "I work at the 118." There, that should help her figure out who he was. It's not like everyone has a unique birthmark near their eye, and had firetruck crush their leg.</p><p>"..........." She moves impossibly closer, trying to put her face between him and there bar. "Ah! You're Evan Buckley!" When he nods she lets out a squeal. "I saw you on the news several times. Always thought you were amazing. What you do, risking your life like that, is so amazing."</p><p>"Thank you."</p><p>"Let me buy you a drink. Ok?" When he didn't answer fast enough, she continues on, "Anyone who is a firefighter deserves at least one free drink, right? What do you say?" The girl puts her hand on his forearm and gives it a squeeze. "Please?" She bats her eyelashes.</p><p>"Sure."</p><p>
  <em>Damn people pleasure gene.......................at least it is only one drink. You were going to get another one anyways.</em>
</p><p>One drink lead to another, and another, and another, and another.....</p><p>*******</p><p>His head hurts when he wakes up, pounding like a drum and forcing him to press his hands against it as if he could press the pain away. It wouldn't help to go to work like this, so hopefully he had enough time to manage the hangover.</p><p>Buck forces himself to open his eyes, and freezes; this isn't his ceiling. He looks around; this isn't his room; this isn't his bed.</p><p>It's then that he feels a hand on his stomach that definitely doesn't belong to him.</p><p>It's the girl from last night.</p><p>He pulls the covers away and see's that he is completely naked.</p><p>
  <em>What the fuck did i do last night?! I don't remember a thing!</em>
</p><p>He could feel panic building in his chest, making it harder to breath.</p><p>Shooting up he stumbles his way to the bathroom and locks the door before falling to his knees, hands coming up to muffle his anguish.</p><p>He slipped. He fucking slipped. And he couldn't even remember it. Couldn't even tell you the girl's name. He was worst than Buck 1.0 now.</p><p>His breathing became more labored, his vision fading.</p><p>
  <em>Help me! Someone please help me! I can't! Please! I can't!</em>
</p><p>Be keeps begging but no one comes, and he passes out on some random bathroom floor.<br/></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Buck eventually came to, his head pounding and his stomach threatening to spill at any moment, but at least he was awake. While awake he could fix this. He can get away from the Buck Beta......<em>is a beta version worse then 1.0? </em>He wasn't sure but it sounded worse.</p><p>Thoughts of looking up tech talk accompanied him as he forces himself up onto his feet and over to the sink to splash his face.</p><p>
  <em>I can fix this. I can be better. Just come up with a plan.</em>
</p><p>And he did. 1) get dressed. 2) text Bobby to get out of work later that day. 3) find out the woman's name. 4) Maybe get a date, so it won't seem as bad.</p><p>With a nod to his reflection he heads out and accomplishes the first two with ease - after all Bobby did send him home early yesterday because he was worried.</p><p>
  <em>Or he just found an excuse to get rid of you. Bet he knows why you've been using that bunk room more often. Whore.</em>
</p><p>He fights to not get sick as he tries to find any clues to the girl's identity without actually snooping. Eventually he sees her name on a card. Kimberly. </p><p>
  <em>Yeah, that seems right.</em>
</p><p>Buck then moves over to wake her. "Hey," he says softly when she opens her eyes and smiles softly as if he actually cared about her.</p><p>"Hey." She smiles in return and pulls him into a kiss. "Morning."</p><p>"Yeah. Wanted to wake you up before I left."</p><p>"Polite of you." She wiggles around until she is able to sit up, not caring her breasts were just out in the open. And Buck hated himself for wanting to lean down and take one of her nipples into his mouth and let his fingers play with her mound barely hidden by the sheet. He wasn't blind, he saw how beautiful she is, and his body responded easily even if his mind or maybe his heart screamed at him to run away. "Glad you did."</p><p>"Me too." </p><p>"Maybe we can do this again?" He could see how nervous she was and the hint of hopefulness.</p><p>
  <em>This could work</em>
</p><p>He lets out a little chuckle. "I was wondering that too actually."</p><p>"Yeah?" She perked up instantly. "Let me give you my number." Buck gives her his phone, and sees that indeed her name was Kimberly. "Call me?"</p><p>"Will do." He gives her a kiss goodbye and heads out at the fastest pace he could manage without letting on he was in fact running away.</p><p>The moment he hit the sidewalk and was out of site from her building he started running. He wasn't sure where he was but he needed to get away as quick as possible. And he needed to get professional help.</p>
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